It was just another normal Fall night in Canada…ducks were flapping overhead quacking inconsiderately while making their annual migration South, the normal gang tactic of placing mooses in the streets to stop the Mountees from getting to them while they were robbing grocery stores was in use, and hockey hoosiers were rallying up their teams waiting for the game that evening. 

All was normal. 

Well, maybe not.

Kali was sitting at her computer, looking for new software to download pr0n from her new favorite website, http://www.supertehsecksfuntime.com. She opened a snail mail from Hotel Soap, with “Happy BirthPr0n!” written on the envelope with a link for Firefox for the add-on of the Ant Video Downloader and a picture of some hotel soap from Omaha. Without hesitation and a yell of extravagance, she clicked on the link with Elven sexual speed.

Before she knew it, kilobytes were downloading to her computer. “These kilobytes will lead to me having the best birthday ever!” she shouted with Juggernaut frenzy. She was so excited, she almost peed a little. Since pr0n is not worth peeing yourself over (it leads to a pretty disgusting ending), she scuttled to the bathroom.

Above her ceiling fan awaited a surprise for her.

She did cartwheels back to her computer, completing the cartwheel string with a double back flip and landing right into her computer chair, which was in the shape of Elmo taking a dump. The add-on was at 90%, but not moving from there.“THIS IS WORSE THAN GETTING DEATH PULLED BY A N0OB ON HER PERIOD!!” screeched Kali. 

Infuriated, she started pounding on her keyboard. Keyboard Cat snuck around the corner and told her to stop, but she didn’t care. She did an opposite cartwheel onto Keyboard Cat and he exploded into poop stains. She went back to her computer, swearing up and down this had to be the worst birthday ever.

“Do not fret!” a girly voice came out of nowhere.

“What! Who is there?!” Kali sat in her Elmo chair and began spinning in circles with her hands around her eyes like she was holding binoculars.

“It is us! The CAP!” Two masked figures fall from the ceiling while twirling. They crash on top of each other and start giggling.

“WTF are you two?”Both figures then did backwards sommersaults and rolled up to their feet, both standing like super heroes. “We are the Cookie Alliance Patches!” Patches and Cookie both start fist pumping as heavy club music rocks in the background.

“Shouldn’t it be Cookie and Patches Alliance?”

“If it were, we couldn’t call ourselves the CAP, could we?!”

“That’s gay.”

“Uh, yeah!” they proclaim in unison.

“What are you two doing here anyways?” Kali is now gripping her chair out of fear for the masked invaders. Sweat is dripping from her eyebrows, but strangely, it is rising to the ceiling rather than falling to the floor.

“We’re here to tell you,” begins Cookie.

“The secret to getting your download working again!” ends Patches.  Kali farts really hard out of excitement. So hard, the Elmo chair explodes!

“All you have to do,” begins Patches.

“Is stare at the download and say the super secret phrase that is the most awesome phrase in the world!” ends Cookie.

Without hesitation, Kali jumps on her desk and gets within millimeters of the download on her computer screen. Her eyes start flashing all of the Primary colors as they start to wiggle inconsistently. CAP gets really scared at this moment and they skip away.

With a deep, bellowing roar, Kail opens her mouth and yells “JANUS!”

Dildos start flying out of the computer. Anal Lube starts shooting out between the keys on the keyboard. Hundreds of naked women and men start flying out of the computer screen and they immediately start a chain of sexual acts that surround Kali. Her eyes have almost fallen out of their sockets. She has never seen anything like this, nor has she ever been this happy in her life!

“This is the best birthday ever!!” she silently yells as to not to disturb the fun everyone is having.

She takes a seat and is too happy to do anything else. The end.

Happy Birthday!!!